The Bandwagoner: All Aboard Idiot

So sorry for the lack of attention I have given to the blog these last couple of weeks. I have been quarentined by sickness and barely had the energy to pour my wine. Just kidding, I was hopped up off some syssssurp instead. Kidding again I'm not a rapper and it was Robitussin and I took the directed dosage. Anyway, As I am sitting here on my couch alone watching Drew Brees play for the 49'ers, I got on facebook to see what my posse of 2,000 was up to. Ok soooo I didn't know a) half of you even cared about the nfc playoff game, b) half of you are niners fans and the other half Saints. First of all, I do like Drew Brees I mean the dude can throw the ball and not to mention his generous charitible contributions and striking good looks. However, I am a Cowboys fan, through and through and I don't care if they do have a blind ginger giving romo "special massages" after losses, or if Gary Busey is secretly giving Rob Ryan advice in between sets at the strip club and tequila shots; they are still my team. I wouldn't wear a jersey of a team that I passively root for when they are good....I call that blasphemy. Now this doesn't really go for most men out there. Men usually have their team and they are pretty good about sticking to it. It's the chicks that I am concerned about. If you are doing it just because your dude likes a team, ok supportive is one thing but when you only know who the quarterback is and couldn't name one other player on the team and you start painting your face and using the word "nation", that's a little intense. Now I root for Atlanta and the Steelers. Explaination: I lived in ATL my entire childhood and My family is from Pittsburgh, dad grew up there and if I didn't my dad would lock me in a closet. I think I get most offended by Saints fans. Cinderella story, yes, like 3 years ago. You weren't "Who Datting" when they were sucking with Aaron Brooks pre-Katrina were ya? Don't you people want a team where you have some sort of connection with? Even if it is just because your grandpa was a die hard Cardinals fan? Wait, is anyone a die hard Cardinals fan? Anyway,if you want to be a wishy washy fan and only like winning teams then knock yourself out but when people call you out for being a bandwagoner, you have no arguement. Own it. Be who you really are. There is just one rule bandwagoners need to follow...you are not EVER in any situation allowed to use the word "we" when talking about your bandwagon team. There is no "we" bc YOU will jump right on off that wagon the second they go 0-14. Moral of the story Kudos to those who have stayed true to their team through and through! Even if the quarterback is blind and deaf. Cherio!

"Sydney" the Nail Tech: Everyday She's Hustlen'

When I find product or service I like I usually stick with it; shampoo, make-up, a presidential candidate. So when I first experienced “Sydney” the Vietnamese nail technician I was hooked. She did a great job on my nails and told me stories for 2 hours. We started off talking about the usual stuff you would talk about with your nail tech. “You have boyfriend?” “You so pretty you should have boyfriend” I know Syd, I know. She shed little light on her life and how she ended up in Las Colinas Texas. Same ol’ story, she grew up with her nazi grandma in New Mexico, moved to Florida when her Buddhist monk brother went away, was in medical school got in a bad car wreck lost her short term memory, had to drop out of college because she couldn’t retain knowledge. If you know me, I would have given this woman the keys to my car and house if I could at this point. Then, she adds the icing to the cake by telling me her husband is an alcoholic and beats her. Needless to say I gave her about a 50% tip and went on my somber way.  I went back a second time and requested her. She was so appreciative and gave me a little seashell jewel to express her appreciation. Fantastic. This woman is giving me GIFTS now! The third time I went back is when I started to notice that there may be more to “Sydney”. I noticed a very shiny diamond ring on her hand. I’m no jewelry expert but this looked about as real as I’ve seen; I watch the Beverly Hills housewives occasionally. But she is still telling me “my boys want chu chu trains and I have no monies” ughhh what should I do? Is she telling the truth or is she a LIAR!? Sydney isn’t really her real name!!! I let it go that time. Today was the straw that broke the camels back. I walked in and requested her. I had to wait a bit so I got out my brand new Ipad to play a bit. She walks up hugs me tells me how grateful she is to see me and brings me to her chair. I sit down and notice this chick is wearing a rose gold Michael Kors (Sp) watch! Again no jewelry expert (I mean I can’t even spell the dudes last name) but I know for a FACT you can’t get one of those suckers for less than $200. To top it off, she has a brand new sparkling diamond bracelet. Ohhhhhhhh helllll nooo. I am being hustled.  I acknowledge the bracelet and this little asian smartass has an answer to everything. “I had 5 best friends in Vietnam, all pitched in to buy for my birthday.” Good save. Then a bit later I take a shot at the watch. “Wow Sydney that watch is beautiful”. “Yeah, I have client who dances at club, she makes lot in tips and gave me watch”  NOT such a good save. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel now aren’t ya LINH TRAN! She tries to salvage whatever little sympathy I had for her still by saying, “I told my husband to move out, but boys want ipads I have no money for ipad” I then said oh well I hope everything gets better! She asks my birthday tells me I’m the year of the pig (wrong) and that it means “I spend lots of money” yeah Linh, if you really knew me you would know that is absolutely not the case and will not be the case when I leave this salon. Thanks for all the cool stories and sweet 5 minute back massage.
 
            Moral of the story is I will go back to Sydney because she does an excellent job; however the tip will be significantly less. I’m pretty sure she is 100% American and adds the accent for effect. I give her props though because after me, there was a woman waiting JUST for her for 30 minutes. Play on playa, play on.

Crime Shows--Entertaining TV or Gateway to Paranoia?

First off, I would like to thank all that have taken time out of their busy schedules to read my pieces. They are purely for entertainment and I am not a licensed anything. Just a forewarning. Any pseudo-advice I give is purely my opinion. Do I even need a disclaimer if I only have 2 people that read this? Anyway, I digress. I got away from writing because I have a “real” job but now I am back and ready to fill all of your little heads with my opinions and ridiculous life experiences. Now on to the topic at hand.

If you know me well enough you are fully aware of my obsession with crime shows. Law and Order, Criminal Minds, the entire ID network; you name it I watch it. Besides NCIS, Mark Harmon is way too creepy in that show. This obsession can be interpreted one of two ways 1) I should have been a criminal justice major or 2) and the most logical, I was an FBI agent in another life. As I was watching one of my faves “Disappeared” a few days ago on ID; I began to turn another light on every few minutes until every light in my house was on. At this point I knew there was a problem. Was I scared I was going to disappear from the 3rd story of my closed in AND dead bolted apartment? Nonsense, I just had one too many glasses of wine. So off to bed I went.

Lately, I have really started to realize that I walk a lot faster and I look over my shoulder a lot more than the usual 3 times while walking alone. It has been brought to my attention by co-workers and family members that I walk at a not-so normal speed and I didn’t have answer as to why. Was I in a RUSH to get the better stall in the bathroom? No. I was a schizo. Every time I walked the 3 yards from my work to my car I held my switch-key in my hand like a brass knuckle. When I got home from work I would take my heels off first so if someone popped out of my closet to try and rape me I had a weapon. This got bad enough to the point I went to see someone about my anxiety. The head doctor told me I have “thoughts of impending doom”, wrote me a prescription to Xanex and sent me on my way. Are you kidding? No shit I had thoughts of impending doom; I don’t have SSA Derek Morgan by my side to make sure nothing BAD HAPPENS TO ME!!! (Criminal Minds reference, ladies if you don’t know who this is Google him…yum).

Moral of the story is there isn’t one. I still enjoy my morbid pastime and am a psycho because of it. It’s all good though because I always solve the crimes before the actual detectives do. In. your.face.Mariska Hargitay… Until next time kiddos, this time I will try to do some at least two times a week. Adieu…

Up and at em'

As I sit here and do my morning/early afternoon routine; which consists of Law and Order SVU re-runs and regretfully moving from my bed to the couch; I start thinking about life. Is it just me or is it hard to get out of bed if you don’t have anything to look forward to? Usually, I wake up looking forward to which episode of Ghost Whisperer and Sex and the City my boyfriend recorded for me. As in boyfriend, I mean DVR. Lately however, that’s just not cutting it. So many of my friends have their own talents and dreams and are very successful. That’s great…for them. I briefly think to myself how I can get back in touch with some of these people to get a one-way ticket on their coat tail but immediately veto that idea. I was watching American Idol the other day and it was down to the bottom three. These contestants are regular people all under the age of 28 that became immediate household names in a matter of weeks. To add fuel to the fire, Justin Beiber performed. This little nugget is like 15 years old, a multi-millionaire and pulls more ass than most 25 year olds. I’ll admit it, I have Beiber fever. This does wonders to my psyche. I am sitting in front of a Lean Cuisine, no friends, no boyfriend, and no job, watching others live out their dreams before the age of 30. Not to mention lusting over jailbait. Someone put me out of my misery. Actually, I like to vicariously live through others so I do believe this makes me feel better for at least an hour and 3 minutes. I have dreams too. When I was little, I dreamt to be a world famous supermodel. The sad realization is, I’m 5’2 and can’t walk in heals. So I moved on to being a world famous singer. This died along with voice after 5 years of cheerleading. So now, at 25 years old, I aspire to be a blogger. Who woulda’ thunk? I am much more comfortable behind a computer to hide my pathetic appearance and the ability to write in what I woke up in. Oops I just ended a sentence in a preposition…sorry mom. Anyway, the moral of this story; find something you enjoy and do it. Damn another preposition. If you are tired of the same monotonous routine, find a hobby. I promise it will make you feel better and it will give you something to look forward to and get out of bed…for. Crap, sorry for my grammatical errors, it’s still early for me. Until next time!

Let's get Physical

How many times have you looked in the mirror and said, “Ew” to what you saw? I can honestly say I do that every day at least once. Why do women AND men place so much importance on the physical? So what I’m not Megan Fox but who is, besides her (duh)? Girls and guys have to understand normal people don’t look like that in real life. They have flaws. Every time I see my backside in the mirror, I want to throw up on myself. I weigh about 100lbs and have cellulite like a 300 lb woman. I can’t get rid of it, and I’ve tried everything. I finally just said so what, it is what is and I have to deal with it. I see so many women, even young girls trying to look like these models on magazines and TV. You better believe when I have a daughter I am going to POUND the importance of loving your own body into her head so she doesn’t end up like Heidi Montag. By the way, she is the epitome of sad little girl who thought her depression would be fixed by thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery. Guess what, she’s still unhappy and married to the toe-headed martian. I am not saying I don’t like plastic surgery a little botox/maintenance when things start to go south, literally; is fine. It’s the media’s fault for placing so much importance on looking good. Excuse me, I know I look fly with my $30 jeans and white tee, I don’t need all that expensive crap that looks like the designer was drunk. Plus, when I was little my nickname was spill Thulin because I could not keep food and/or drink in my mouth or off my clothes at any meal so buying any expensive clothing item wasn’t the brightest of ideas. I’m trying to avoid the hypocrisy of this situation because I am guilty of wanting to look different at some points. There’s a line between what makes you feel good, and changing the way you look to please other people. If you have itty bitty boobies and want to go bigger for YOU, knock yourself out. If you want to get enhanced because you think it’ll please your man, think again. It’ll be a novelty for about a month then, they’re old news and he’s gone and you’re stuck with fake knockers. The moral of this story is love the physical you and if you don’t like something about you, change it for YOU not because you think people will like you better. If someone doesn’t like you for something physical, they are a waste of time and breath and probably have “short-comings” if you know what I mean. Until next time…

The Hugh Grant Effect

For those of you who don’t know, Hugh Grant is an asshole. He cheated on Elizabeth Hurley who in my opinion is the most beautiful woman in the world. What makes this worse; he did it with a black prostitute named Divine. What is WRONG with men? I mean, do I even need to go into Tiger Woods and Jesse James? Tiger, you Oreo cookie, you had a freakin’ Swedish supermodel as a wife and cheated on her with PORN STARS?! Jesse, there are no words for you. You are one of the most hated men in America at this moment so that should be punishment enough. I call this "The Hugh Grant Effect", when men cheat with less than respectable women. The questions I have are: 1) Why do men cheat? 2) Why do men cheat with nasty, slutty women when they have amazing, perfect women at home? These questions plague me. It almost makes me want to hold a seminar, complete with a power point, to illustrate this gargantuan mistake so many idiot men make. Is it because we let them get away with crap like this? Or did the media make it look cool to cheat with bottom feeders. To the bottom feeders: get up off our men! What is your problem?! I understand your daddy didn’t hug you enough and your mother probably condones your behavior, but this is not acceptable. These girls are the same girls that post modeling pictures on their Facebook profile and have a Myspace. They have a lifetime membership to Tanfastic and have no problem letting strangers look at their naked body. Morals anyone? Are you seriously going to take a chick named “Bombshell McGee” home to your mother you love so dearly? I think not. Now you ask, how do we fix this epidemic? Well since I refuse to believe all men are scum, we just have to be a little more selective in our choosing of a mate. However, you can sometimes get thrown when you think you have a good one and they have, what the media has deemed, an “indiscretion”. It’s time for beautiful, smart, funny women to take a stand. Don’t let your man get away with stuff like this! The next statement I am about to make will probably upset some men out there but who cares. Ladies if you think your dude is cheating on you; DO YOUR RESEARCH. Who gives a flying crap if he thinks you’re crazy? Ask around, go through his stuff, get you some private I’s to stake that homie out. Don’t take this stuff lying down. You have given your heart to this person you think will take care of it, and they just smash it. Get pissed off, you don’t deserve someone who will make you look like a fool because they’re the fool and will probably be miserable the rest of their life because they let you go. Trust me guys, when a girl says she hopes you find love eventually and she wishes you the best; she absolutely does not. She hopes you wallow over her for the rest of your life and never ever date or be happy again. Girls,you need to make a judgment call. If he has a relatively clean track record and it happens once, eh you may want to think long and hard if you really love the person. Now if he makes a grand gesture, (women know what this means, men you should figure it out), you should probably consider taking him back depending on the offense and the gesture. Guys are nutty, it really isn’t that hard to be good and if you think you may stray, give the chick a break and let her go. That’s all I have for today. Until next time…

Men and their mothers...a love affair

So as I sit here pondering my life, or lack thereof; I start to realize how worthless I truly am. There are things I could be doing rather than losing myself in my more than enticing blog series. Lucky for you, I’ve decided to keep writing rather than change the clothes from the washer to the dryer.
This weekend I got to thinking about men and their mothers. We’ve all met the guy who can’t stop talking about his mother and how much he loves his mother. That’s great, she did birth you and that’s a sacrifice in itself. However, men do this because they think we think it’s cute if men love their mothers more than normal societal standards. We do, within reason. How much is too much? I know what answer I’ll get; “There’s a bond between a mother and a son that is just unlike anything else.” I get it, but when you are still dressing him at 26 years old… Houston, we have a problem. I don’t have a son so I’m speaking completely out of observation. Mothers; at 26 years old, when your son has a steady real job, and has mastered the task of wiping his own butt, it’s time to back up off it a little. Trust me guys, it is not attractive when your mother knows EVERYTHING about your life. I’m even talking about knowing things that a mother should NEVER EVER know. If she calls you more than 3 times a day, if she shows up at every single sporting event you participate in, if she picks out your clothes, or if she knows the numbers to all your friends and uses them, it’s time to cut the cord. That is not cute, it is creepy. Women see this as a threat to your future. It may in fact hinder your chances of eventually marrying a woman purely because she doesn’t want an overbearing mother-in-law. I know I know, you’ll sit there and say, “Well then I have to wait for someone who is ok with my mother because she comes first.” Keep thinking like that because you may very well die alone. If you find a woman that will take that kind of mother-in-law, she is weak and has no opinion and inadvertently means she’s boring. So the moral of this story is men, when it comes to your mother, figure out a way to balance her and your girl. It’s time to be a man and tell mommy who’s boss. Oh and don’t act scared of your own mother because THAT inadvertently means you’re a pussy. Until next time!