Up and at em'

As I sit here and do my morning/early afternoon routine; which consists of Law and Order SVU re-runs and regretfully moving from my bed to the couch; I start thinking about life. Is it just me or is it hard to get out of bed if you don’t have anything to look forward to? Usually, I wake up looking forward to which episode of Ghost Whisperer and Sex and the City my boyfriend recorded for me. As in boyfriend, I mean DVR. Lately however, that’s just not cutting it. So many of my friends have their own talents and dreams and are very successful. That’s great…for them. I briefly think to myself how I can get back in touch with some of these people to get a one-way ticket on their coat tail but immediately veto that idea. I was watching American Idol the other day and it was down to the bottom three. These contestants are regular people all under the age of 28 that became immediate household names in a matter of weeks. To add fuel to the fire, Justin Beiber performed. This little nugget is like 15 years old, a multi-millionaire and pulls more ass than most 25 year olds. I’ll admit it, I have Beiber fever. This does wonders to my psyche. I am sitting in front of a Lean Cuisine, no friends, no boyfriend, and no job, watching others live out their dreams before the age of 30. Not to mention lusting over jailbait. Someone put me out of my misery. Actually, I like to vicariously live through others so I do believe this makes me feel better for at least an hour and 3 minutes. I have dreams too. When I was little, I dreamt to be a world famous supermodel. The sad realization is, I’m 5’2 and can’t walk in heals. So I moved on to being a world famous singer. This died along with voice after 5 years of cheerleading. So now, at 25 years old, I aspire to be a blogger. Who woulda’ thunk? I am much more comfortable behind a computer to hide my pathetic appearance and the ability to write in what I woke up in. Oops I just ended a sentence in a preposition…sorry mom. Anyway, the moral of this story; find something you enjoy and do it. Damn another preposition. If you are tired of the same monotonous routine, find a hobby. I promise it will make you feel better and it will give you something to look forward to and get out of bed…for. Crap, sorry for my grammatical errors, it’s still early for me. Until next time!

Let's get Physical

How many times have you looked in the mirror and said, “Ew” to what you saw? I can honestly say I do that every day at least once. Why do women AND men place so much importance on the physical? So what I’m not Megan Fox but who is, besides her (duh)? Girls and guys have to understand normal people don’t look like that in real life. They have flaws. Every time I see my backside in the mirror, I want to throw up on myself. I weigh about 100lbs and have cellulite like a 300 lb woman. I can’t get rid of it, and I’ve tried everything. I finally just said so what, it is what is and I have to deal with it. I see so many women, even young girls trying to look like these models on magazines and TV. You better believe when I have a daughter I am going to POUND the importance of loving your own body into her head so she doesn’t end up like Heidi Montag. By the way, she is the epitome of sad little girl who thought her depression would be fixed by thousands of dollars worth of plastic surgery. Guess what, she’s still unhappy and married to the toe-headed martian. I am not saying I don’t like plastic surgery a little botox/maintenance when things start to go south, literally; is fine. It’s the media’s fault for placing so much importance on looking good. Excuse me, I know I look fly with my $30 jeans and white tee, I don’t need all that expensive crap that looks like the designer was drunk. Plus, when I was little my nickname was spill Thulin because I could not keep food and/or drink in my mouth or off my clothes at any meal so buying any expensive clothing item wasn’t the brightest of ideas. I’m trying to avoid the hypocrisy of this situation because I am guilty of wanting to look different at some points. There’s a line between what makes you feel good, and changing the way you look to please other people. If you have itty bitty boobies and want to go bigger for YOU, knock yourself out. If you want to get enhanced because you think it’ll please your man, think again. It’ll be a novelty for about a month then, they’re old news and he’s gone and you’re stuck with fake knockers. The moral of this story is love the physical you and if you don’t like something about you, change it for YOU not because you think people will like you better. If someone doesn’t like you for something physical, they are a waste of time and breath and probably have “short-comings” if you know what I mean. Until next time…

The Hugh Grant Effect

For those of you who don’t know, Hugh Grant is an asshole. He cheated on Elizabeth Hurley who in my opinion is the most beautiful woman in the world. What makes this worse; he did it with a black prostitute named Divine. What is WRONG with men? I mean, do I even need to go into Tiger Woods and Jesse James? Tiger, you Oreo cookie, you had a freakin’ Swedish supermodel as a wife and cheated on her with PORN STARS?! Jesse, there are no words for you. You are one of the most hated men in America at this moment so that should be punishment enough. I call this "The Hugh Grant Effect", when men cheat with less than respectable women. The questions I have are: 1) Why do men cheat? 2) Why do men cheat with nasty, slutty women when they have amazing, perfect women at home? These questions plague me. It almost makes me want to hold a seminar, complete with a power point, to illustrate this gargantuan mistake so many idiot men make. Is it because we let them get away with crap like this? Or did the media make it look cool to cheat with bottom feeders. To the bottom feeders: get up off our men! What is your problem?! I understand your daddy didn’t hug you enough and your mother probably condones your behavior, but this is not acceptable. These girls are the same girls that post modeling pictures on their Facebook profile and have a Myspace. They have a lifetime membership to Tanfastic and have no problem letting strangers look at their naked body. Morals anyone? Are you seriously going to take a chick named “Bombshell McGee” home to your mother you love so dearly? I think not. Now you ask, how do we fix this epidemic? Well since I refuse to believe all men are scum, we just have to be a little more selective in our choosing of a mate. However, you can sometimes get thrown when you think you have a good one and they have, what the media has deemed, an “indiscretion”. It’s time for beautiful, smart, funny women to take a stand. Don’t let your man get away with stuff like this! The next statement I am about to make will probably upset some men out there but who cares. Ladies if you think your dude is cheating on you; DO YOUR RESEARCH. Who gives a flying crap if he thinks you’re crazy? Ask around, go through his stuff, get you some private I’s to stake that homie out. Don’t take this stuff lying down. You have given your heart to this person you think will take care of it, and they just smash it. Get pissed off, you don’t deserve someone who will make you look like a fool because they’re the fool and will probably be miserable the rest of their life because they let you go. Trust me guys, when a girl says she hopes you find love eventually and she wishes you the best; she absolutely does not. She hopes you wallow over her for the rest of your life and never ever date or be happy again. Girls,you need to make a judgment call. If he has a relatively clean track record and it happens once, eh you may want to think long and hard if you really love the person. Now if he makes a grand gesture, (women know what this means, men you should figure it out), you should probably consider taking him back depending on the offense and the gesture. Guys are nutty, it really isn’t that hard to be good and if you think you may stray, give the chick a break and let her go. That’s all I have for today. Until next time…

Men and their mothers...a love affair

So as I sit here pondering my life, or lack thereof; I start to realize how worthless I truly am. There are things I could be doing rather than losing myself in my more than enticing blog series. Lucky for you, I’ve decided to keep writing rather than change the clothes from the washer to the dryer.
This weekend I got to thinking about men and their mothers. We’ve all met the guy who can’t stop talking about his mother and how much he loves his mother. That’s great, she did birth you and that’s a sacrifice in itself. However, men do this because they think we think it’s cute if men love their mothers more than normal societal standards. We do, within reason. How much is too much? I know what answer I’ll get; “There’s a bond between a mother and a son that is just unlike anything else.” I get it, but when you are still dressing him at 26 years old… Houston, we have a problem. I don’t have a son so I’m speaking completely out of observation. Mothers; at 26 years old, when your son has a steady real job, and has mastered the task of wiping his own butt, it’s time to back up off it a little. Trust me guys, it is not attractive when your mother knows EVERYTHING about your life. I’m even talking about knowing things that a mother should NEVER EVER know. If she calls you more than 3 times a day, if she shows up at every single sporting event you participate in, if she picks out your clothes, or if she knows the numbers to all your friends and uses them, it’s time to cut the cord. That is not cute, it is creepy. Women see this as a threat to your future. It may in fact hinder your chances of eventually marrying a woman purely because she doesn’t want an overbearing mother-in-law. I know I know, you’ll sit there and say, “Well then I have to wait for someone who is ok with my mother because she comes first.” Keep thinking like that because you may very well die alone. If you find a woman that will take that kind of mother-in-law, she is weak and has no opinion and inadvertently means she’s boring. So the moral of this story is men, when it comes to your mother, figure out a way to balance her and your girl. It’s time to be a man and tell mommy who’s boss. Oh and don’t act scared of your own mother because THAT inadvertently means you’re a pussy. Until next time!

5 Guys you should NEVER date

Good Saturday my friends! Today’s blog is about relationships. I am no expert; however I have had about a decade of experience with the good, the bad and the ugly.

WARNING: this article contains cynicism that may not be suitable for all readers. Reader discretion is advised.

I am going to give you what I believe to be 5 guys you should never date. We’ve all been guilty of dating 1 of these dudes or 1 dude with several of these signs.

1) The Wandering Eye Guy: We all know this guy. If you lose your guy every 5 minutes to the chick walking by with gladiator boats and a mini-skirt, sianara brosef! Ladies no matter WHAT excuse your guy comes up with when you call him out; he wasn’t looking at her shoes or her hair. I have had guys be like “oh man, did you see her face, she had soo much make-up on!” or, “I like her shoes, you should get some shoes like that!” ok first of all, shut-up because that’s all crap. Second of all, those shoes are the ugliest things I’ve ever seen idiot. Guys will look, it’s in their DNA. However, if it excessive and starting to interrupt your very lovely sushi dinner; kick him to the curb.

2) The Serial Dater: This guy can’t even keep count of his dating track record. He jumps from girlfriend to girlfriend and acts like boyfriend of the year to each girl until he gets tired of her. If you begin to date a guy who mentions the words “my ex” within the first 2 hours, that’s a red flag. This is when guys should come with resumes, or a car fax. He should have to explain his dating history starting with the most recent, how long they dated, and reason for leaving. Also provide a contact number and explain any gaps in relationship periods. This is your classic commitment-phobe. He will act like he’s ready to settle down and take care of you and only you; and he will, until he sees something else he likes.

3) The guy who watches more reality shows then you: “OMG did you see what happened on Keeping up with the Kardazzzians last night?!” ok, this SCREAMS gay guy, but I can’t hate too much because my dad loves his reality shows. However at this age, if a guy can tell you the top 10 of American Idol in order from season 1-now, there’s a problem. If we have established the fact he is straight; dude either a) doesn’t have a job, b) lives in a fantasy world c) is a big fat vagina or d) all of the above. In many cases, lack of intelligence is the reason for this unfortunate disease. If all you do on a date is talk about Dancing with the Stars and Survivor, means you have no opinions on current events, which in turn lead to a boring conversation and excessive alcohol use during the date. Ladies he may seem cool because he can name all your favorite past characters from Laguna Beach, but let’s put that guy in the “Just Friends” category shall we?

4) The Aspiring Musician: This is a touchy one for some girls. This is a TYPE for many women so if you find this ridiculous, um I don’t care. This guy is all about his music. He may like to have a little somethin’ somethin’ from you now and then, but you will never be at the top of his priority list until he signs with RCA records. You will ALWAYS take a back seat to his music and if you are ok with that, date away! Personally, I like to hear you sing but after the 800th time hearing “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz, I’m over you and that song. If he plays gigs, he has experienced some female fans. He ain’t seen nothing yet and believe me this guy WILL take advantage of this at some point so keep your eyes pealed idiot girls who date this guy.

5) The Party Boy: You know this guy. Every time you go to the club this guy is front and center poppin’ bottles of Andre with his shirt unbuttoned winking at everything that walks by. He loves to be the center of attention and act like he’s big ballin’ when in reality he’s a waiter and goes to community college. He’s everywhere, even two places at once. You wonder how he teleported himself so quickly to the next bar. He mostly dates the younger girls because they don’t know any better. This guy is immature plain and simple. His partying ways are just a cover-up to his otherwise unbearable insecurity. One day, hopefully, he will grow up and realize Kentucky Deluxe and ecstasy isn’t filling that void anymore and get a real job and clean up his act a little. As of now however, stay away from this Rico Suave..

That’s all I got for you today! Take these into consideration my lady friends! If you have any questions or comments please feel free to post! Until next time!

Retail Therapy

For those of you who don't know me, I’m not a big shopper. The whole idea of spending the day taking on and off your clothes for no other reason than to try on things you probably aren’t going to buy anyway; really is not appealing. I remember one of my first times visiting my friend Linda in Houston. She took me to the Galleria. I was over it in about an hour. So I sat on the bench by the Dippin’ Dot’s guy when I see Linda approaching. She comes over and exuberantly states, “You can’t be tired!!! We still have 4 more malls to hit!!!!” I wanted to punch her in the face. So I pry myself up off the bench, wave adios to the Dippin’ Dots man and continue my trek into uncharted territory. It was at about the 7th shoe store that I blacked out. I think the overwhelming smell of leather and pretzels sent me into a coma. I walked out of that place that day with one purchase…an American cookie. 5 hours of my life wasted, not to mention I couldn’t feel the lower extremities of my body anymore.

It’s not just the actual shopping that I don’t care for. It’s the entire experience. The smelly people nose breathing on you in line, the survey people asking you what you think about their new steamer, the people who obviously have no end-sight in mind and walk about .03 mph when you are trying to pass them like Mario Kart. I really wish I shot red shells out of my butt at that very moment. I walk like I drive too which makes this worse. I WILL be all up in your business when walking to my next destination within Satan’s Playground. MOVE OVER and take your baby stroller with you! Can we please put lanes in malls so the people who leisurely walk like they have all day to do this meaningless act of self-indulgence can stay in their own lane? My mom loves going shopping with me because I’m in and out of each store. I know what I need and I get it. When I was younger she used to have to bribe me to go. At 12 years old, my mother would ask to take me shopping and I would ask right back, “what’s in it for me?” she would reply “new clothes” and I would reply…”I meant in terms of food items.” So I’d go, get my cookie and be done with it. I know this is blasphemous to the female species but get over it I’m not normal AND I save a hell of a lot more money for beer and the ponies. Until next time…

The Hills are alive...I think?

Hola Mi Amigos! So I don’t watch many reality shows anymore. All I watch is American Idol. Well I was flipping through channels on a Tuesday night and in my wine induced sedation, I landed on The Hills. Now I haven’t watched the Hills since Lauren Conrad MOVED to The Hills. I was originally freaked out by the Freudian meaning behind the name and I refused to watch it. Anyway I digress. So I’m watching what appear to be two aliens talking about some girl named Stephanie. Later, I come to realize these two people are what they refer to as “Spidey”(clever mass media, clever).

Anyway, I realized at that moment how much distain I had for that toe-headed martian with no soul, Spencer Pratt. First of all, SPENCER, you look like an un-ripe Chia pet. You talk like you might be half-mentally retarded and you have ear wax build up because you speak at a decibel only dolphins can hear. Guess what SPENCE, saying “like” every other word is not a talent. Do you not realize you are NOTHING to anyone but one big fat flesh-colored beard joke? You are one anti-Semitic statement away from being as hated as Chris Brown, and he knocked a girl OUT. You have no talent, no morals, no dignity, no balls, and no ethics. You may very well be Hitler and Stalin’s love child. Every time you open your mouth you make me want to leap into the TV and just spray you with a hose to get you to be less douchey. Your delusional wife is the only person on this PLANET that doesn’t think you are a complete loser. I feel sorry for them both actually. I could imagine walking into their house. It probably reeks of incense and regret while “Hungry like the Wolf” blasts through the speakers. You drove your wife to look like something out of National Geographic because you are such a freak show. Where do you get off talking to her and/or her family the way you do? Are you kidding me? Try saying that about Tony Sopranos daughter, and then we will see who’s a big man.

When these people talk on this show I feel almost like I’m floating in one big California cliché. “umm sooo yeah I mean like I totally don’t know what’s going on with me and like Brody…cocaine?” Do people talk like that now? No wonder people don’t know the difference between your and you’re and they’re, there, and their. Is this what reality TV has come to? Forget reality TV, is this what the WORLD has come to? We are dumbing down our society one bottle of bleach and Grey Goose at a time. Don’t get me wrong, this train wreck of a show is mildly entertaining; however I am going to boycott this show until Spencer learns any sort of human decency, or Brody Jenner puts a shirt on. Until next time cherio’!

First Blog

So here's the deal, I like to talk. I like to voice my opinions on things that may or may not have any relevance to your life, so you think. Trust me; I'm no expert on many things; however I do believe that my common sense part of the brain is more developed than some people, not naming any names. The purpose of this blog is to give me something to do in my "temporary leave of absences" from employment .Also, to give my opinion on stuff whether people want to read it or not.
My lack of participation in normal human activity for the last 3 months has really freed me up to sit back and think about little things in life. This blog will basically be my opinion on things that happen to me during the day/ things I think people really need to know. Do I think I am Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City? Quite possibly, therefore I am going to pretend this blog will become a world wide sensation and that Russell Crowe may actually read this blog, hey Russ ;). I would love to hear opinions on the stuff I say unless they're opposite opinions of mine and/or you're a democrat...just kidding. I will start off with a discussion I had with myself and others via Facebook last night in which inspired me to start this little nugget of a hobby. Here is what was said:

"Guys...sport coats with jeans are NOT OK! You do NOT look fly contrary to what you probably think when you look in that full length mirror of yours. You're a fool and any girl getting with you has to have BAC of .13. next time you think it would be a good idea to pair your bejeweled Rock'n Republics with a sport coat just say no.. You are not Justin Timberlake, you are just some dude that looks like a tool..."

I do believe whoever first came across this look really just forgot their dress pants and decided to say screw it, I'll wear my Levi’s. Like my lovely sister brought up, if you throw in an ED Hardy t-shirt under that sport coat...there are no words. Listen up gentlemen, ESPECIALLY Texas boys, YOU ARE NOT JON GOSSLIN nor would I think you would aspire to be. I respect the designer, and if this is something you're into, move to the Jersey Shore. YOU LOOK RIDICULOUS. I don't know how I can make this any clearer. It's like I would tell ladies, because they are not off the hook yet, Bump-its, HAVE TO GO. I admit I was guilty of buying one until my dear boyfriend almost ripped it out of my head and literally slapped sense into me. I get it, you're in Texas but do you really need a device to make your hair large? Dolly Parton did it for YEARS without a contraption, which I may add is not as easy as it looks to use. So ladies and gents, the moral of this story is if you aspire to be the next cast mate on Rock of Love, or I love New York, ROCK that Ed Hardy, Sport Coat/Jean, Bump-it look all day my friends. However if you want any chance of having an intimate relationship with something that has an IQ higher than a sandwich, lose that crap.. Until next time, cherio'